Being queer

I refer to myself as a queer woman. What does that mean exactly?

In honour of Pride Month, I thought I would share a few thoughts I wrote out a couple of years ago:

For me, being queer isn’t so much about the person I’m dating, as it is about a worldview. It is an acknowledgement of the plurality of existence – that there are a multitude of ways of being in this world, a variety of orientations and identities and types of families and types of love and types of relationships, and all of them have value.

For me, choosing to be a solo parent is queer. Insisting on using the term ‘solo parent’ rather than single parent is queer. Correcting the government forms that assume there are two parents (usually one mother and one father) is queer. Because all of these things are challenging heteronormativity, which fails to recognize that which lies beyond the dominant culture.

Getting married, getting pregnant, and giving birth to a baby wouldn’t have worked for me. In another life, at another time, when there were fewer options, I might have done it – but I wouldn’t have felt as confident with my life’s journey and choices as I do right now.

Thanks to my worldview that I would describe proudly as ‘queer’, and thanks to the positive examples I have witnessed of people being true to themselves and doing things differently, I could allow myself to see other possibilities. And, in the end, I chose the one that felt right for me.

To clarify, here are the ways in which I identify as queer:

• I have dated / am open to dating people of all genders
• I am open to variety of relationship types, and I currently feel most comfortable with ‘solo polyamory’
• I chose to be an adoptive solo parent and have a non-traditional family
• I frequently challenge heteronormativity, traditional power structures, and dominant cultures

“Solo poly makes sense for a lot of single moms. We run our own households and don’t necessarily need or want to combine forces with anyone else at home… Polyamory offers unique benefits that monogamy lacks. Instead of looking to one person to meet all of your needs in a partner (which may be very particular for single moms), you can enjoy each relationship for exactly what it is.”

“I guess you could say that I’m open to a variety of possibilities when it comes to love, and I don’t want to get bogged down in any expectations of what I think love is supposed to be.”

Shannon Ashley, So, I guess I’m solo poly

I’m not opposed to the term bisexual, but I feel that only covers the dating aspect, whereas queerness encompasses additional political and social practices and identities, which are equally, if not more important to me.

Here are some anecdotes from my early queer parenting days:

Do you also identify as queer? Whether you do or not, what does the term mean to you?

Stay tuned for my next post on queer dating!

‘happily queer’ mug by Luck and Lavender