Originally published on United Way East Ontario, February 2024
In the weeks after my girlfriend died by suicide, I recognized I needed support in managing my grief. I was especially concerned about how I would continue to care for my then-two-year-old daughter as a solo parent while dealing with the complex rollercoaster of emotions that come with being a survivor of suicide loss.
In July 2022, approximately one month after the suicide took place, I reached out to Family Services Ottawa, and I was added to the waitlist for individual counselling at a fee that would be affordable to me. The intake worker I spoke to over the phone told me that I might be waiting for several months, but that I was welcome to use a free virtual service called Counselling Connect in the meantime. I booked myself a session for that afternoon.
Accessible, affordable mental health care
I really appreciated that, thanks to funding from United Way East Ontario, I could access free or low-cost counselling with Counselling Connect and Family Services Ottawa. I had already used up all my paid sick days for the year and was taking unpaid medical leave from work. I had also been served with a no-fault eviction notice at the height of the pandemic, and my housing expenses doubled when my daughter and I had to move to a new home earlier that year.
I met three times with the same counsellor from my laptop using a video platform. I described to them the recent trauma I experienced and how it was continuing to affect me day-to-day. Together, we discussed ways that I could manage parenting and working while looking after myself during this especially challenging and vulnerable time. These therapy sessions were validating, and they provided me with some of the tools I needed to return to work later that summer.
Coping with grief, anxiety, and guilt
However, I continued to feel immense guilt about my self-perceived role in my girlfriend’s death, and this presented itself as intense anxiety and brain fog, particularly when I sat down at my computer to complete administrative tasks for work. I couldn’t focus. I felt emotionally raw. I had trouble keeping up with my workload, and I was burning out. I found myself losing my temper with my beloved daughter on a regular basis, and I was not proud of how I handled many situations as a parent.
In January 2023, I heard back from Family Services Ottawa, and I booked my first appointment with a counsellor named Odette. Over the next six months, Odette and I had 12 in-person sessions in which we addressed the impact of my girlfriend’s suicide, my past traumas, my challenges at work, my parenting concerns, my extended family dynamic, and my mental health in general. Meeting with the same person on a consistent basis was incredibly helpful, as Odette helped me recognize patterns in my behaviour, establish healthy boundaries in my interpersonal relationships, and find balance in my life. We also worked on practicing self-compassion and acknowledging that shame is seldom productive.
Pursuing passions and healing through connections
In September 2023, I left my job to pursue freelance work as a life model that allowed me to spend more time around people and less time alone in front of a computer. I also recently completed a full-length manuscript of my first memoir that I hope to have published this year, and I am working on writing a second book. My daughter, who just turned four years old, and I have developed a beautiful bond, and I am prioritizing spending quality time with her during these foundational years.
In 2024, I am attending a 10-week skill-based group workshop, Building Resilience After Trauma, on Thursday afternoons at Family Services Ottawa. Odette is one of the three counsellors leading this workshop. I am grateful for this opportunity to connect with other people who have experienced trauma, but who are not defined by these experiences. More than anything, this sense of connection, this shared experience, this recognition that we are not alone in our grief—this is what guides me on my healing journey.
Jessica Ruano 